The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant. Diddy: All right, I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance. Cause she wears underwear with dick-holes in 'em. Ron Jeremy: Are you sure you don't wanna see me have sex? I do a great doggy style.
Dave Chappelle: Yeah, I know, Ron! I got my stroke from you! Thank you, Obi-Wan! Prosecutor: Mr. Chappelle, what would it take to convince you that R.
Kelly is guilty? Dave Chappelle: Okay, I'd have to see a video of him singing "Pee On You," two forms of government ID, a police officer there to verify the whole thing, four or five of my buddies and Neal taking notes, and R.
Kelly's grandma to confirm his identity. Buck Nasty: Man, you should take that cane, and beat whoever made that suit to death. Silky Johnson: "Honky" is a racial epithet. It was made popular in the s by a man named George Jefferson. You see, he and his wife owned a dry-cleaning business, so they moved on up to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky.
They finally got a piece of the pie. Silky Johnson: We are the Time-Haters. We've traveled back in time Dave Chappelle: You see, I think beer just brings out the animal in ya. Now, I know that beer companies sponsor the show - I ain't talking about them.
Silky Johnston: What can I say about that suit that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan; It looks bombed out and depleted. Charlie Murphy: I mean, you know where you got that shirt.
And it damn sure wasn't the men's department. Charlie Murphy: [when Prince challenges them to basketball] We can call it the shirts vs the blouses. He knew where he got that shirt and it certainly wasn't in the men's department. I was wondering how you were following me. You smoke sherm? Charlie Murphy: But that showed me never judge a book by it's cover. Prince could really ball! Buck Nasty: Yo, you'd better watch your's, white boy, before I shove these 'gators up your ass and show your insides some style.
Dave Chappelle: Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time. Bill Burr: You know, I have to admit, I saw this robbery coming from a mile away, which is why I put my car keys up my ass. Diddy: If I had my way, I'd never work.
Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing.
But I don't got that kinda time. Diddy: What are you doing, Ness? You just gonna do your taxes right now? Is that hot? Is that what's going down in the streets? Audience Member: Negrodamus, why is President Bush convinced there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Dave Chappelle: [just been dumped by Oprah] Steadman What's happening, partner!
Charlie Murphy: Because of my complexion, he use to call me Darkness. He calls me and brother Darkness. The Darkness Brothers. See, this is long before Wesley Snipes. Back then President Black Bush: Write this down. That's right! President Black Bush: He tried to kill my father, man. Prosecutor: Are you aware that Robert Blake has been accused of murdering his wife?
Charlie Murphy: [referring to the Prince basketball game] That cat could ball, man. Kent Wallace: In the past few weeks, Clayton Bigsby accepted the fact that he is a black man. And three days ago, he filed for divorce from his wife. When we asked "Why after 19 years of marriage? Reporter: Sir, now that you've got your check do you plan on quitting your job driving this truck? Man In Truck: Truck driver? I ain't no truck driver. I'm a janitor. That's right, baby, I just bought this truck straight cash.
I got cigarettes for me and my family the rest of our lives! Dave Chappelle: Look, man, look. Michael Jackson has many faces - none of them look guilty to me. You gotta look in the eyes, not the noses.
Real Rick James: I must be losin' my mind. Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy come kickin' my ass. Ain't that a b. Prosecutor: What if I told you that the accusers correctly described Michael's penis to investigators? Let me guess Dave Chappelle: Whoa Come on dude, I couldn't pick my own penis out of a line up, all right?
And me and penis is like this, son. President Black Bush: I didn't want to say this. All right! From Africa. He went to Africa and bought some yellow cake. Dave Chappelle: Listen, lady, the burden of proof is on the state. Dave Chappelle: No, it's not unreasonable. We're talking about a justice system that had people whose cases were overturned by DNA evidence. I seen a tape where five cops beat up a nigga and they said that they had a reasonable doubt. I got my doubts too! All right?
How come they never found Biggie and Tupac's murderers, but they could arrest O. Nicole Simpson can't rap!
Dave Chappelle: [shouts] This whole goddamn court is out of order. Prosecutor: [after whispering to her partner] Mr. Chappelle, you're dismissed. Dave Chappelle: [pees on prosecutors while seated at the witness stand] And that's from the heart!
Silky Johnston: [while looking at a picture of P. Diddy] He looks like Malcolm X before he converted to Islam. Dave Chappelle: [from the announcer's booth after Tiger Woods' acceptance speech after he was picked by the black race during the Racial Draft] I've just received word that Tiger has lost all his endorsements.
Nike, Wheaties, Amex, Tag Heuer, the whole shebang-a-bang. Well, tough break, nigga. There's always FUBU.
Japan's sending Playstations Stankonia said they are willing to drop bombs over Baghdad Rickidy Raw is coming Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation. News Reporter: [during press conference about Jedi's raping their students] Was that you in that video?
Dave Chappelle: I eat cottage cheese for dinner! With salt and pepper! Beautiful: Hitler's momma got one big titty and one little titty. Dave Chappelle: R. Kelly was pissed. No punchline to that. Nigga was pissed. He was all, "How could you go and make a video about peeing on someone?
Charlie Murphy: [after being beaten by Prince in a basketball game] Challenge him, i-ight. Make sure your crew is there to witness it, cuz you just might get embarrassed. Silky Johnston: Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm gonna go put water in Buck Nasty's Mama's dish. Silky Johnston: I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you. Earl "The Snake" White: Some mark ass trick just stepped on my sneaker, and poured Morton's salt all over 'em.
Are ya'll ready to ride? Lets ride on these fools at their own bar-b-que! Dave Chappelle: [Dave is playing video games with a kid in the hospital and is beating him in the game Street Hoops] Tell your little friends, that dreams really do come true. Dave Chappelle came and saw you in the hospital and whooped your monkey ass at some "Street Hoops"!
Billy: [Billy and Dave are still playing video games] Dave, can't you see I'm dying of cancer? Dave Chappelle: [Dave pauses the game] Billy, I'm sorry man.
I was just trying to teach you a lesson! You can beat cancer but you got to be strong. I see it in you Billy, you're going to make it. Dave Chappelle: Hell, no, nigga! Hang on a second. In your face! Feel better! Clayton Bigsby: Sir! I'm going to make this clear. Why not tell him he's African American? Jasper: Listen man. He's too important to the movement. Tell him that he's black, he would probably kill himself. His commitment is that deep. Skin Head: [four guys are outside banging on the car and Jasper runs out to the car and save Clayton from trouble] Hey, monkey!
You lost, boy! Clayton Bigsby: That's right! That damn monkey was beatin' my hood [then Clayton gets back in the car and they drive off] [shouts] White power! Tyrone Biggums: [Tyrone is eating elk penis as part of the final challenge on Fear Factor] You know, Joe Rogan, this is not the first time I've tasted penis. I've had several! In my line of work, you taste penises all the time! Tyrone Biggums: [while walking painstakingly slowly over hot coals] Hey, Joe Rogan, is it almost lunchtime 'cuz I smell somebody cookin'!
Dave Chappelle: Well, kids, Dingles isn't feeling very well, so I'm taking him to the doctor. Dave Chappelle: Oh, Sally, it's not what's gotten into me, it's what's gotten into Oprah! My seed, son! Ha ha h aha! Ha ha ha! Dave Chappelle: Whats you mean the old Howard Dean: I happen to know that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian and not only is his daughter a lesbian but his moms a lesbian and his sisters a lesbian and his old granny has holes in her panties!
I love lesbians! I watch The L Word on Showtime! Donnell Rawlings: Oh no. I'm broke biotch! Rick James: [shouting at Charlie Murphy from across a bar] Darkness! Come closer, I wanna see more than just eyes and teeth!
I'm tryin' to get that oil- [coughs] -ohoh! With their kung-fu and their silly ching-chang-chong talk! Clayton Bigsby: Don't let the liberal media tell you how to think and feel! If you have hate in your heart let it out! Means there's something wrong with Will; he's a homosexual!
Colin Powell Condoleezza Rice. Condoleezza Rice, sounds like Mexican dish. Clayton Bigsby: Maybe we should put her on a plate and send her to Mexico so the Mexicans will eat her. White Power! Clayton Bigsby: The message of my books is very simple.
Kent Wallace: In the past few weeks, Clayton Bigsby has finally accepted that he is a black man. And just three days ago, he filed for divorce from his wife.
Dave Chappelle: Nurse? Could you get in here? I need a witness! Leonard Washington: You better check ya tone girl, put ya inside voice on. Big Al: You ol pastey bastard. Look at you Chuck. You look like you just walked up from ground zero. Beautiful: [The player haters are at a Science Fair] Furthermore, my wave machine can create enough energy to power most medium-sized homes with ease. Buck Nasty: When you said wave machine, I thought you was talkin about something that could repair that catastrophe you call a hair style.
Beautiful: Buck Nasty, you are so dark, when you touch yourself, it's like black on black crime. Tyrone Biggums: Imma tell you something about me, Joe Rogan, that you might not know. I smoke rocks. I got the head of the CIA here to tell you! Are you sure? Rick James: Charlie! There's a new joke goin' around - have you heard it? What did the five fingers say to the face? I don't think we seen the same movie.
I thought Scarlett was a ho because she went to bed with everybody but Mammy. You know they wouldn't let Mammy go to the premiere? But everybody comes back. She came back as Oprah Winfrey to get her money. Paul Mooney: [reviewing "Barbershop"] You know that's just a front. They sell drugs at the barbershops. Well, I've written a film, maybe they'll produce my film. How about that? We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.
If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly. Forgot your password? Retrieve it. TV Shows. Chappelle's Show is an American sketch comedy television series created by comedians Dave Chappelle and Neal Brennan, with Chappelle hosting the show and starring in the majority of its sketches.
Chappelle, Brennan, and Michele Armour were the show's executive producers. The series premiered on January 22, , on the American cable television network Comedy Central. The show ran for two complete seasons and a third, truncated season dubbed "The Lost Episodes". After numerous delays, production of the third season of the show was abruptly ended when Chappelle left the show. Three episodes were compiled from the completed work and these episodes aired from July 9 to 23, Chappelle's Show Screenplay » Edit Buy.
Year: 28, Views. Ice T: And the winner of playa-hater of the year is Silky John-ston. Kiss my ass! I'm the biggest hater! Intervention Counselor: Harold, what time did you tell him to be here? Harold: But he's always late. Rhonda: Oh, he'll be here. In 3, 2, I'm not feelin' the rainbow! Mario Cantone: I'll put a band-aid on your face and make you my Nelly. Phaze 2: Yo, go in there and get me a Philly blunt son.
Tron: And a banana Cognac, biotch. Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda? Dave Chappelle: Knock-knock Audience: Who's there? Dave Chappelle: Some skits, biotch. Tron: Night. Keep yo butthole tight.
It's regular ass TV. Tyrone Biggums: [hands full of money] Crack, here I come. Dave Chappelle! Chappelle's Kid: He's 'ilarious.
Rick James: Now, Darkness, the tables are turned. Rick James: [to his bodyguards] Do with him whatever you like. Rick James: Cubbie, freeze! Charlie Murphy: Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.
Come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy. Dave Chappelle: Flip-i-tee flack! Flip-i-tee floke! Here come some jokes! Enjoy yourself. Businessman: I'll have a Samuel Jackson. Businessman: Could you please stop yelling at me? News Reporter: Well, that's I'm gonna spend it before y'all honkies change yo minds.
And you had sex with Katie. Katie: No, Tyree, you had sex with me too. Tyree: Correction: I had sex with Katie. Chad: Hi, I'm Chad, your new roommate.
Tyree: My name is Tyree, and yeah, I went to prison! Tyree: Man, can you hold it down? I'm tryin' to make love over here! Tiger Woods: So long fried rice, hello fried chicken. I love you Dad! Tiger Woods: I always wanted to say this Rick James: They shoulda never gave you niggas money. Prince: Game Rick James: That was 'cold-blooded'! Come over here and show Charlie Murphy yo titties!
Senator: How do Tron: Fif! I like to show all of you a secret document! Dave Chappelle: Skeet Skeet Skeet! Police Commisioner: Of course! Police Commisioner: [winks] Tron: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sellin' rocks would be bad. Quills: [screaming] All right, nigga! Get butt naked right now!
You think this a game, nigga! What the hell you listening to? Charlie Murphy: Well, I gotta admit It was a good game. Dave Chappelle: Who? Who's Nick Cannon? Chappelle's Kid: Daddy, [with huge grin on face] Nick Cannon's 'ilarious. Chris: Hey Tanisha, it was good seeing you. Old Man: Yeah, and get some rubbers!
Darius' Grandma: Get the big ones. It's kinda hot in here. Prince: Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka? Arsenio Hall: This is some good ass cheese! Ashy Larry. Diddy hosts "Making the Band"] P. Kelly's Grandma: That's my Robert, always peeing on people. Slave Master: Honky? Tron: Hot hand in a dice game, baby.
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